One day a friend of mine and I were discussing sex scandals over a cup of coffee recently. You know- Woods, Edwards, Sanford, etc, etc. We speculated that the next rage would be ‘pre-lover’ agreements- pre-conceived legal contracts that might help lead these transgressors out of the trackless land of infidelity and scandal with dignity. We laughed, and I said if nothing else the idea might give me a notion for a poem or story. Here it is, folks. A story set to poem, from the point of view of the male half of the equation...
You’ve only just let down your hair,
Stripped down to sexy underwear,
In Motel Cheap that’s not too far
From where we met at Downtown Bar
In turn not far from where I slipped
Away from my tedious Business Trip...
You’re lookin’ fine- you can bet I’ll be fast,
But, honey, I’ve learned from experience past
That though a fling can be a blast
We must first our expectations cast...
That’s right- on paper, draw it up
Somewhat akin to a wedding pre-nup.
I’ve got the forms here in a stack-
Right next to my Trojans pack.
It says, “I, _______” What was your name, dear?
“Promise to faithfully heed and adhere
To the rules and restrictions outlined within...”
This is serious, dear! Wipe off that grin!
See, first you swear you’ve got no STDs,
Just initial next to that paragraph, please.
Page Two is all about how you’ll deny
You know me if ever my wife were to try
To find out what really goes on when I say
I’m lonely and chaste while I’m away.
And of course you’ll agree not to talk to the press,
As that would result in a terrible mess.
And then, my dear, as you see- there’s more...
Perfunctory stuff, but on Page Four
You’ll note- now don’t think this is sleazy,
But I’ve listed techniques (with illustrations) that please me.
And then- last page- to end it all
It says you’ll be ready when I call
To glam it up with heels and gown
The next time I return to town...
Hey, honey, now, don’t shake your fist!
They tell me I’m impossible to resist.
You won’t let a little bit of paper be comin’
‘Tween you and me and some hot, heavy lovin’...
Will you?
SLAM!
.
Monday, April 23, 2012
Sunday, April 8, 2012
Maine Madam
I recently talked to a friend of mine from Kennebunk, Maine who (as a former selectman) has his finger on the pulse of the town, including the rumor mill. Rumor has it, he explained to me, that a local Zumba fitness studio was recently shut down by law enforcement because the establishment was a cover for prostitution. Rumor further has it that no official news has been released about the bust because it might hurt the reputation of certain well connected local men... All of which seemed to me the stuff of which wicked limericks are made...
That Kennebunk Zumba Madam-
If you wanted the moves, she had ‘em.
Now the gents that she laid
Will feel betrayed
When the cops throw her black book at ‘em!
.
If you wanted the moves, she had ‘em.
Now the gents that she laid
Will feel betrayed
When the cops throw her black book at ‘em!
.
Monday, April 2, 2012
Mer
Mer I
“Anchors away!” exclaims Garnet happily, radiating delight at the sunshine, salt spray, and lively, cheerful company. “...or is it anchors aweigh?” she puzzles, “No matter... off we go!”
Garnet quickly picks a prime spot on deck of the elegant yacht-sized sailboat, and, pulling a jumbo sized beach towel out of her bag, while at the same time stowing her terry-cloth cover-up into the bag, lays down with a contented smile to sun her bikini-clad self.
“Oh!” she exclaims, as she almost reaches the moment of recumbent relaxation, “One more thing...” She digs into her bag an pulls out her cell phone, quickly dials, and in no time is engaged in cheerful chatting.
“Captain R.! Oh, Captain!...” Garnet calls, holding the cell phone in one hand, and beckoning to him with the other, “My mermaid BFF, Coral Rose, has invited us to a party tonight! Here...” she thrusts the phone into the hand of the puzzled captain, “She’s going to give you the coordinates...”
At a loss of what else to do, Captain R. obediently takes the phone & holds it to his ear. A look of confusion spreads over his face as he glances helplessly at Garnet and says, “Um... all I hear are... bubbling, gurgling noises.”
“Oh silly me.” exclaims Garnet, “I forgot. You don’t speak Mer!” quickly grabbing the phone back, she addresses her Mer BFF, saying, “Coral, honey, you better text it, OK?” before handing it back to the hapless captian.
Confusion turns to surprise as Captain R. sees coordinates scroll across the tiny screen...
Mer II
The stars shown bright, & phosphorescence twinkled in the ocean waves as if in imitation of those heavenly bodies. Between these two magic mediums of water and space floated a handsome craft named The Happy Deviant...
Early in the evening the noble ship had arrived at its programmed coordinates, slowing to a stop as silvery green tails flashed and upstretched arms signaled “Welcome!”
The events that followed raced by in a delightful blur of exotic merriment and amazing entertainment...
...platters of undersea delicacies delivered by laughing mermaids and hoisted to the deck by an enthusiastic Garnet... a never ending supply of drink bubbles, which, when pierced by a special straw, delivered serious refreshment and light intoxication...
Dolphin races... a juggling octopus... and synchronized swimming by Team Mermaid which would put any Olympic counterpart to shame...
In the wake of this amazing spectacle, the crew of the Happy Deviant reveled in the magic of their new-found paradise, while Garnet, leaning close over the water, chatted and giggled with her Merfriends.
“C’mon, Garnet!” Captain R. overheard, as bits & pieces of the twittering conversation floated his way, “You’ve GOT to meet him! There’s a get-together tonight at Marina’s place...”
“OK.” said Garnet decisively, “But I must return by sunrise...”
SNAP went the clasp of Garnet’s top as it dropped to the deck of the Happy Deviant... Suddenly her top was bare, and her bottom was... scaly? ...and blue-green shimmery.... changing shape, and with the last of her toes Garnet sprang into the water with a beautiful arc, and dove into the waves with a flick of her new-formed tail.
Giggles and giggle-bubbles exploded as Garnet waved good-bye to the Happy Deviant and her crew... “Don’t go anywhere!” she shouted with a wave, “I’ll be back by sunrise!”
In an instant the beautiful swimmers were gone, and all was quiet under the shimmering stars...
Mer III
And a beautiful sunrise it is. Blue melts into pink melts into red as sky melts into water...
Splash! Garnet (tail turned back to legs, scales into skin) drips herself on to the deck of The Happy Deviant. Quickly grabbing her beach towel, she envelops herself and proceeds to coax the water out of her ears by tapping the side of her head with the heal of her palm.
“Mornin’ Captain!” she chirps, upon seeing Captain R. emerge onto the deck, rubbing his sleepy eyes, “Wasn’t it the most wonderful...”
Garnet’s enthusiasm is interrupted by the ringing of her cell phone, which she quickly retrieves from her bag. A cloud comes over her face as she listens intently.
“But I didn’t even have any knees last night!” she says defensively. Holding the device away from her mouth and glancing at Captain R., she explains, “It’s Carla, my alter ego. She says that it being Holy Week, I should be on my knees praying rather than cavorting with underwater heathens!”
“And they’re NOT heathens!” she scolds into the mouthpiece of her cell, “But, OK...” she continues with a sigh, “I’ll be back in time for Holy Thursday Mass.” Rolling her eyes, she snaps the phone closed.
“Guess I’ve got to get off at the next port...” she sighs to Captain R., “But...” she continues with a mischievous smile, “Don’t hurry, OK?”
.
“Anchors away!” exclaims Garnet happily, radiating delight at the sunshine, salt spray, and lively, cheerful company. “...or is it anchors aweigh?” she puzzles, “No matter... off we go!”
Garnet quickly picks a prime spot on deck of the elegant yacht-sized sailboat, and, pulling a jumbo sized beach towel out of her bag, while at the same time stowing her terry-cloth cover-up into the bag, lays down with a contented smile to sun her bikini-clad self.
“Oh!” she exclaims, as she almost reaches the moment of recumbent relaxation, “One more thing...” She digs into her bag an pulls out her cell phone, quickly dials, and in no time is engaged in cheerful chatting.
“Captain R.! Oh, Captain!...” Garnet calls, holding the cell phone in one hand, and beckoning to him with the other, “My mermaid BFF, Coral Rose, has invited us to a party tonight! Here...” she thrusts the phone into the hand of the puzzled captain, “She’s going to give you the coordinates...”
At a loss of what else to do, Captain R. obediently takes the phone & holds it to his ear. A look of confusion spreads over his face as he glances helplessly at Garnet and says, “Um... all I hear are... bubbling, gurgling noises.”
“Oh silly me.” exclaims Garnet, “I forgot. You don’t speak Mer!” quickly grabbing the phone back, she addresses her Mer BFF, saying, “Coral, honey, you better text it, OK?” before handing it back to the hapless captian.
Confusion turns to surprise as Captain R. sees coordinates scroll across the tiny screen...
Mer II
The stars shown bright, & phosphorescence twinkled in the ocean waves as if in imitation of those heavenly bodies. Between these two magic mediums of water and space floated a handsome craft named The Happy Deviant...
Early in the evening the noble ship had arrived at its programmed coordinates, slowing to a stop as silvery green tails flashed and upstretched arms signaled “Welcome!”
The events that followed raced by in a delightful blur of exotic merriment and amazing entertainment...
...platters of undersea delicacies delivered by laughing mermaids and hoisted to the deck by an enthusiastic Garnet... a never ending supply of drink bubbles, which, when pierced by a special straw, delivered serious refreshment and light intoxication...
Dolphin races... a juggling octopus... and synchronized swimming by Team Mermaid which would put any Olympic counterpart to shame...
In the wake of this amazing spectacle, the crew of the Happy Deviant reveled in the magic of their new-found paradise, while Garnet, leaning close over the water, chatted and giggled with her Merfriends.
“C’mon, Garnet!” Captain R. overheard, as bits & pieces of the twittering conversation floated his way, “You’ve GOT to meet him! There’s a get-together tonight at Marina’s place...”
“OK.” said Garnet decisively, “But I must return by sunrise...”
SNAP went the clasp of Garnet’s top as it dropped to the deck of the Happy Deviant... Suddenly her top was bare, and her bottom was... scaly? ...and blue-green shimmery.... changing shape, and with the last of her toes Garnet sprang into the water with a beautiful arc, and dove into the waves with a flick of her new-formed tail.
Giggles and giggle-bubbles exploded as Garnet waved good-bye to the Happy Deviant and her crew... “Don’t go anywhere!” she shouted with a wave, “I’ll be back by sunrise!”
In an instant the beautiful swimmers were gone, and all was quiet under the shimmering stars...
Mer III
And a beautiful sunrise it is. Blue melts into pink melts into red as sky melts into water...
Splash! Garnet (tail turned back to legs, scales into skin) drips herself on to the deck of The Happy Deviant. Quickly grabbing her beach towel, she envelops herself and proceeds to coax the water out of her ears by tapping the side of her head with the heal of her palm.
“Mornin’ Captain!” she chirps, upon seeing Captain R. emerge onto the deck, rubbing his sleepy eyes, “Wasn’t it the most wonderful...”
Garnet’s enthusiasm is interrupted by the ringing of her cell phone, which she quickly retrieves from her bag. A cloud comes over her face as she listens intently.
“But I didn’t even have any knees last night!” she says defensively. Holding the device away from her mouth and glancing at Captain R., she explains, “It’s Carla, my alter ego. She says that it being Holy Week, I should be on my knees praying rather than cavorting with underwater heathens!”
“And they’re NOT heathens!” she scolds into the mouthpiece of her cell, “But, OK...” she continues with a sigh, “I’ll be back in time for Holy Thursday Mass.” Rolling her eyes, she snaps the phone closed.
“Guess I’ve got to get off at the next port...” she sighs to Captain R., “But...” she continues with a mischievous smile, “Don’t hurry, OK?”
.
Sunday, March 4, 2012
Bare
No one told me about it.
Not my mother.
Not fashion magazines...
And it took me nearly 50 years to figure out that
Bare shoulders are THE BOMB when it comes to garnering second glances!
Maybe it’s just my bare shoulders
Hair up, long neck
Just me
My secret.
Shhhh.... don’t tell the fashion magazines!
.
Not my mother.
Not fashion magazines...
And it took me nearly 50 years to figure out that
Bare shoulders are THE BOMB when it comes to garnering second glances!
Maybe it’s just my bare shoulders
Hair up, long neck
Just me
My secret.
Shhhh.... don’t tell the fashion magazines!
.
Saturday, December 31, 2011
Sixty Nine
The Sexagenarian was said
To celebrate birthdays in bed.
That was all fine
'Till she turned 69
With a party that'd make you blush red!
.
To celebrate birthdays in bed.
That was all fine
'Till she turned 69
With a party that'd make you blush red!
.
Sunday, October 16, 2011
*Licks Lips*
A toothsome repast.
Don’t know what that is?
Better look it up, baby.
‘Cause you’re gonna be one!
*giggle*
Don’t know what that is?
Better look it up, baby.
‘Cause you’re gonna be one!
*giggle*
Friday, June 17, 2011
Stripper Workout
"She wraps her hands around that pole
She licks those lips and off we go
And she takes it off nice and slow
'Cause that's Porn Star Dancin'!"
"Uh..." I said, waving my hand to get the attention of my oblivious alter ego as I entered her Salon. Garnet seemed, at the moment, to be enraptured not only by the music, but by whatever she was typing on the computer. "Turn down the stereo a little?" I requested.
"Oh!" Garnet exclaimed, "You're here." She waved a finger in the air, and in an instant the volume dropped dramatically.
"How did you do that?" I queried, wrinkling my brows in puzzlement.
"Magic." Garnet replied with a smile. "Actually, it's new technology. Same thing, right?" she laughed.
"What's with the stripper music?" I asked, "And what are you typing? A novel? You must have some sort of new project going now that your survey is finished."
"It's 'Porn Star Dancing' by a group called My Darkest Days. The music, I mean. You should know." she pointed out, "I found it in your music library. Anyway, I'm working on a resume."
"A resume?" I puzzled, "We haven't lost our job yet, you know. And I haven't quit, though must admit I'm tempted from time to time..."
"I'm not talking about our day job..." Garnet explained, "I'm thinking about a night job." she grinned.
"Uh, oh." I said, "This oughta be good..."
"You've heard about the strip, uh, I mean Gentleman's Club, the proposal for which is making news in nearby Eliot, Maine, right? You know, all the church ladies and mothers of young innocent, impressionable children haranguing the selectmen to quickly pass moratoriums and ordinances banning such unholy establishments before they can manage to open their doors..."
"Yeah, I heard of that." I said, "In fact, there was an article in the paper about it yesterday."
"Right." said Garnet, pulling from her desk a copy of the Foster's Daily Democrat in question, "And the club owner has filed suit. Listen to this. He says..." Garnet picked up the paper and leafed through the A section, "... right here he says, ‘...that the human body is a thing of beauty, which, when combined with music and rhythmic motion in the form of dance, conveys an important message of eroticism.’"
I laughed. "That's quite some spin!" I exclaimed.
"Wait, there's more..." my alter ego insisted, "it says ‘The activity that would occur at the club, the lawsuit states, "enhances individuals' conscious ability to assimilate and consider various issues involving sexual candor and the interest in human sexuality that all human beings have to a great or lesser degree.'"
"But..." I said.
"Isn't that beautiful?" Garnet rhapsodized, "Isn't that a beautiful defense of our beautiful bodies? Almost like poetry!"
"Very clever indeed." I stated, "But what does it have to do with your resume project?"
"Don't you see?" Garnet exclaimed, "I want to apply! To be a dancer!" She hopped to her feet and twirled a pirouette right in front of me.
I sat in her chair and peered at her nascent resume.
"We're not 37, you know. What makes you think you can get away with a lie like that?" I scolded.
"It's not a lie." Garnet insisted, "You read the results of that research project- the one which demonstrated that people who exercise for one hour each day have bodies which (by some biochemical marker or another) are 11 years younger than their chronological age. So we're 37!
"And you can't dance." I stated.
"You can't dance." she retorted. "You've got your weights and your hula hoop for exercise, but I've got this!
Garnet reached for a remote and pointed it at her big screen TV. The title 'Stripper Workout' appeared, accompanied by dance music. She clicked it off again.
"You should try it." she said, "Fun and sexy, and really tightens the buns." she added as she slapped herself on her backside and laughed.
"So you think the Gentlemen and the courts are going to prevail over the Church Ladies and the Upstanding Citizens?"
"Gentlemen can be upstanding as well, you know." she said, giggling at her own double entendre, "But yes, I'm betting on the gentlemen. Now, back to my resume..."
Garnet once again twirled a finger in the air, and as I exited her salon I was treated to another verse of her current fav song...
"She don't play nice
She makes me beg
As she drops that dress around her legs
And I'm sittin' right by the stage
'Cause it's Porn Star Dancin'
.
She licks those lips and off we go
And she takes it off nice and slow
'Cause that's Porn Star Dancin'!"
"Uh..." I said, waving my hand to get the attention of my oblivious alter ego as I entered her Salon. Garnet seemed, at the moment, to be enraptured not only by the music, but by whatever she was typing on the computer. "Turn down the stereo a little?" I requested.
"Oh!" Garnet exclaimed, "You're here." She waved a finger in the air, and in an instant the volume dropped dramatically.
"How did you do that?" I queried, wrinkling my brows in puzzlement.
"Magic." Garnet replied with a smile. "Actually, it's new technology. Same thing, right?" she laughed.
"What's with the stripper music?" I asked, "And what are you typing? A novel? You must have some sort of new project going now that your survey is finished."
"It's 'Porn Star Dancing' by a group called My Darkest Days. The music, I mean. You should know." she pointed out, "I found it in your music library. Anyway, I'm working on a resume."
"A resume?" I puzzled, "We haven't lost our job yet, you know. And I haven't quit, though must admit I'm tempted from time to time..."
"I'm not talking about our day job..." Garnet explained, "I'm thinking about a night job." she grinned.
"Uh, oh." I said, "This oughta be good..."
"You've heard about the strip, uh, I mean Gentleman's Club, the proposal for which is making news in nearby Eliot, Maine, right? You know, all the church ladies and mothers of young innocent, impressionable children haranguing the selectmen to quickly pass moratoriums and ordinances banning such unholy establishments before they can manage to open their doors..."
"Yeah, I heard of that." I said, "In fact, there was an article in the paper about it yesterday."
"Right." said Garnet, pulling from her desk a copy of the Foster's Daily Democrat in question, "And the club owner has filed suit. Listen to this. He says..." Garnet picked up the paper and leafed through the A section, "... right here he says, ‘...that the human body is a thing of beauty, which, when combined with music and rhythmic motion in the form of dance, conveys an important message of eroticism.’"
I laughed. "That's quite some spin!" I exclaimed.
"Wait, there's more..." my alter ego insisted, "it says ‘The activity that would occur at the club, the lawsuit states, "enhances individuals' conscious ability to assimilate and consider various issues involving sexual candor and the interest in human sexuality that all human beings have to a great or lesser degree.'"
"But..." I said.
"Isn't that beautiful?" Garnet rhapsodized, "Isn't that a beautiful defense of our beautiful bodies? Almost like poetry!"
"Very clever indeed." I stated, "But what does it have to do with your resume project?"
"Don't you see?" Garnet exclaimed, "I want to apply! To be a dancer!" She hopped to her feet and twirled a pirouette right in front of me.
I sat in her chair and peered at her nascent resume.
"We're not 37, you know. What makes you think you can get away with a lie like that?" I scolded.
"It's not a lie." Garnet insisted, "You read the results of that research project- the one which demonstrated that people who exercise for one hour each day have bodies which (by some biochemical marker or another) are 11 years younger than their chronological age. So we're 37!
"And you can't dance." I stated.
"You can't dance." she retorted. "You've got your weights and your hula hoop for exercise, but I've got this!
Garnet reached for a remote and pointed it at her big screen TV. The title 'Stripper Workout' appeared, accompanied by dance music. She clicked it off again.
"You should try it." she said, "Fun and sexy, and really tightens the buns." she added as she slapped herself on her backside and laughed.
"So you think the Gentlemen and the courts are going to prevail over the Church Ladies and the Upstanding Citizens?"
"Gentlemen can be upstanding as well, you know." she said, giggling at her own double entendre, "But yes, I'm betting on the gentlemen. Now, back to my resume..."
Garnet once again twirled a finger in the air, and as I exited her salon I was treated to another verse of her current fav song...
"She don't play nice
She makes me beg
As she drops that dress around her legs
And I'm sittin' right by the stage
'Cause it's Porn Star Dancin'
.
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