Stripper Workout

"She wraps her hands around that pole
She licks those lips and off we go
And she takes it off nice and slow
'Cause that's Porn Star Dancin'!"

"Uh..." I said, waving my hand to get the attention of my oblivious alter ego as I entered her Salon. Garnet seemed, at the moment, to be enraptured not only by the music, but by whatever she was typing on the computer. "Turn down the stereo a little?" I requested.

"Oh!" Garnet exclaimed, "You're here." She waved a finger in the air, and in an instant the volume dropped dramatically.

"How did you do that?" I queried, wrinkling my brows in puzzlement.

"Magic." Garnet replied with a smile. "Actually, it's new technology. Same thing, right?" she laughed.

"What's with the stripper music?" I asked, "And what are you typing? A novel? You must have some sort of new project going now that your survey is finished."

"It's 'Porn Star Dancing' by a group called My Darkest Days. The music, I mean. You should know." she pointed out, "I found it in your music library. Anyway, I'm working on a resume."

"A resume?" I puzzled, "We haven't lost our job yet, you know. And I haven't quit, though must admit I'm tempted from time to time..."

"I'm not talking about our day job..." Garnet explained, "I'm thinking about a night job." she grinned.

"Uh, oh." I said, "This oughta be good..."

"You've heard about the strip, uh, I mean Gentleman's Club, the proposal for which is making news in nearby Eliot, Maine, right? You know, all the church ladies and mothers of young innocent, impressionable children haranguing the selectmen to quickly pass moratoriums and ordinances banning such unholy establishments before they can manage to open their doors..."

"Yeah, I heard of that." I said, "In fact, there was an article in the paper about it yesterday."

"Right." said Garnet, pulling from her desk a copy of the Foster's Daily Democrat in question, "And the club owner has filed suit. Listen to this. He says..." Garnet picked up the paper and leafed through the A section, "... right here he says, ‘...that the human body is a thing of beauty, which, when combined with music and rhythmic motion in the form of dance, conveys an important message of eroticism.’"

I laughed. "That's quite some spin!" I exclaimed.

"Wait, there's more..." my alter ego insisted, "it says ‘The activity that would occur at the club, the lawsuit states, "enhances individuals' conscious ability to assimilate and consider various issues involving sexual candor and the interest in human sexuality that all human beings have to a great or lesser degree.'"

"But..." I said.

"Isn't that beautiful?" Garnet rhapsodized, "Isn't that a beautiful defense of our beautiful bodies? Almost like poetry!"

"Very clever indeed." I stated, "But what does it have to do with your resume project?"

"Don't you see?" Garnet exclaimed, "I want to apply! To be a dancer!" She hopped to her feet and twirled a pirouette right in front of me.

I sat in her chair and peered at her nascent resume.

"We're not 37, you know. What makes you think you can get away with a lie like that?" I scolded.

"It's not a lie." Garnet insisted, "You read the results of that research project- the one which demonstrated that people who exercise for one hour each day have bodies which (by some biochemical marker or another) are 11 years younger than their chronological age. So we're 37!

"And you can't dance." I stated.

"You can't dance." she retorted. "You've got your weights and your hula hoop for exercise, but I've got this!

Garnet reached for a remote and pointed it at her big screen TV. The title 'Stripper Workout' appeared, accompanied by dance music. She clicked it off again.

"You should try it." she said, "Fun and sexy, and really tightens the buns." she added as she slapped herself on her backside and laughed.

"So you think the Gentlemen and the courts are going to prevail over the Church Ladies and the Upstanding Citizens?"

"Gentlemen can be upstanding as well, you know." she said, giggling at her own double entendre, "But yes, I'm betting on the gentlemen. Now, back to my resume..."

Garnet once again twirled a finger in the air, and as I exited her salon I was treated to another verse of her current fav song...

"She don't play nice
She makes me beg
As she drops that dress around her legs
And I'm sittin' right by the stage
'Cause it's Porn Star Dancin'
.